Shot of Reality

“When we are no longer able to change a situation,

we are challenged to change ourselves.” -Viktor Frankl

 

November 2011 As soon as the first sighting is made of a red paper cup covered with snowflakes, filled with one of Starbucks’s espresso concoctions, there is one thing that is clear: the holiday season is here. There is probably a long list of things that remind you of this time of year…chestnuts, gingerbread lattes, snowmen, cranberry sauce, presents, candles, apple cider, cinnamon, etc. But there is one item that may not come to mind when creating that list, even though it plays a huge part during the holidays: alcohol. It may surprise you to learn that of all the holidays in the year, Thanksgiving has the highest rate of drunk driving related accidents.

The reason for this statistic may simply be that the holiday is focused on food. Being surrounded by family and friends while enjoying a meal with wine or drinks is a given for many.

Having wine with dinner, enjoying the newest fancy cocktails, joining friends for happy hour, or going scotch tasting can all be fun and enjoyable social activities. And during the holidays, drinking may be a part of the tradition. But if you’ve already decided to pop open that bottle of champagne on Thanksgiving because your family is impossible to deal with sober, or if you are anxious about taking your new boyfriend to meet your family for the holidays because he may get “out-of-control” after a few drinks, the “fun” of alcohol is removed and its use has turned unhealthy. 

Having a problem with alcohol doesn’t have to fit into the media-depicted image of an “alcoholic.” You don’t have to be sneaking shots of vodka between work breaks or in the middle of the night to have a problem with alcohol.  Sure, there are major signs of problematic drinking, but not all the blatant signs have to be there to indicate that a problem exists. If you notice that you or someone you love seems to have conflicts or issues that arise when alcohol is added into the mix, there is a problem with alcohol. It is as simple as that.

For instance, Albert finds that when his wife Kate has a few drinks, she begins to treat him differently. She is often condescending towards him. This is unusual for Kate, as she is not typically like this unless she drinks. When Albert discusses this with Kate the next day, she laughs and states that she has no recollection of it. Albert often dreads occasions involving alcohol, and is not looking forward to the holidays.

Or take the case of Zach. When Zach drinks he seems to have a lot of regrets the next day. Often, his friends and family tell him that he is not friendly or fun to be around and that he is an “angry drunk.” Zach has alienated friends and lovers in the past because of his hurtful behaviors when drinking.

And then there is Sandra. Sandra loves to have a glass of wine when she comes home from work. Lately, things have been pretty stressful, so sometimes she treats herself to more than one glass. Sandra’s boyfriend has complained that she is “different” when she drinks. Sandra often sends text messages that are out of character and she also seems to be bolder around people. Sandra doesn’t see why it’s a problem; in fact, she is happy to have a little “liquid courage” inside her.

Now that the holidays are here, it may be a good time for all of us to look at what role alcohol takes in our lives. Is being around family and friends at holiday events already making you think about what your drink of choice is going to be? Are you worried about how Uncle Frank or cousin Rachael (who are always drunk at family gatherings) are going to act or say when you see them?

Or, consider the following questions when it comes to drinking  in general for you: Do you find yourself always needing a drink to feel comfortable when out on a date or around new company? Have you ever had a glass of wine or a shot of tequila before a public appearance to calm your nerves? Do you feel like you can’t have a good time without alcohol being involved? Have you hurt someone by saying or doing something when drinking that you later regretted? Have you ever gotten a credit card bill with a bunch of charges from bars that made you cringe that you spent so much on alcohol? If you find yourself guilty of any of the above, alcohol is playing a negative role in your life. Even if it was just one time, it is important to recognize the negative impact and make the conscious decision to regulate your alcohol intake and really face the problem before it becomes a bigger problem.

If you are pulled towards a drink when you’re feeling sad or angry, or you drink to deal with other feelings, this can be dangerous. Many incorrectly believe that if they are functioning and that they drink only every once in a while, it’s not a problem. But it is not just the frequency or the level of functionality that defines alcohol as a problem. It is the effect it is having on your life and the reason it is being used.

It shouldn’t come as a surprise to hear that alcohol plays a huge factor into relationship issues and divorce. In one recent study, 53% of adults in the US stated that one or more of their close relatives have a drinking problem.

Sometimes it may feel like we have things under control when we really don’t. Turning to something like alcohol as a coping mechanism, instead of facing problems using healthy methods, can prove to be detrimental.  Confronting feelings and circumstances that lead to unhealthy drinking patterns and making the decision to change them may be challenging, but may also be the solution you should really be looking for. *



Facing the Facade

“It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.” 

- E.E.  Cummings

  

October 2011 The scariest night of the year may be only a few weeks away, but there is something more frightening that lurks in our lives every day.  Halloween may occur once a year, but the holiday that allows people to transform into something or someone else for one night is not the only time that people hide behind masks or take on an identity that differs from who they truly are.  Every day we are faced with people who seem to be hiding behind something. In fact, we are all guilty of hiding behind masks so we can be loved, accepted, promoted, praised, and on goes the list. Now that’s scary!

Consider the sociological notion of "face.” "Face" is the social role that one takes on in a relationship that essentially defines his or her place and expected role in the dynamic of the relation. For example, when discussing matters at work with a supervisor, the way you carry yourself and project your personality is your "face.”  This then becomes the way you should, or are expected to interact with your supervisor; hence the terms, "losing face" and "saving face." As a social rule, we tend to do and say things that we may not really want in order for others to see us a certain way so we don't "lose face."

So are we living a kind of Halloween every day? In some respects, yes. Think about all the interactions you have in a day. Consider the example above at work, or at school, with friends, kids, family, strangers, etc. To some extent, we all wear a mask. When was the last time someone asked you, "How are you?" and your response was the generic, "Good”? How honest were you about being "good"? Sometimes it's not such a big deal to avoid expressing your feelings fully, but when it comes to the people we hold close to ourselves, being honest and open is important.

Take a minute and think about five significant people in your life. How honest are you with them? Do you feel like you can tell them what's on your mind? Are you comfortable telling them you're having a bad day, and do you feel like they will support you? Do you trust them enough to share the bad moments of your life and do you believe that they will be there for you? The degree that you let people get to know the real you is your choice, but you need to feel comfortable and willing to make these deep connections.

Researcher Dr. Brené Brown has spent years exploring how people connect and flourish in relationships. In her research, Brown found that people who accepted and embraced their imperfections were able to form positive connections. These people were simply authentic. That is, they were capable of being who they truly are versus who they thought they should be. Brown also found that they were willing to take risks—to invest in relationships that may not work out, to pick up the phone to make a difficult call, to say "I love you" first, or to visit a doctor after a health scare. Yet, Brown has found that most of us seem to numb our vulnerabilities by masking our true desires and feelings, which leads to a cycle of dissatisfaction in life. Essentially, Brown found that feelings of shame about who we truly are keep us disconnected and unhappy.

Why are we so scared to be who we really are? Maybe it’s the dreaded V word—vulnerable—that seems so terrifying. Being vulnerable means letting people in and allowing for the possibility that they may not like what they see. Sounds pretty painful.

Connecting to others and letting people in is what we are meant to do. From the moment we are born, we depend on someone else in order to survive. We automatically allow someone in to our world because we are wired to seek another person. It's only natural that we continue to have others in our life. And to form intimate and healthy connections, we need to be genuine and willing to risk putting our true selves on the table.

One way to start removing your mask and to practice being real is to communicate honestly. Assertive communication is key to making this happen. However, being assertive should not be confused with being aggressive. Assertiveness means being direct and honest about your feelings, but respectful of the other person as well. Most importantly, you express your feelings without blaming the other person for causing them. You have a right to your feelings. Sometimes those feelings are not what someone else wants to hear, but that doesn't mean they shouldn't be expressed. Think about those five important people in your life again. If one of them was hurt or upset by something you said, would you want to know? People often avoid being assertive for fear of rejection. Yes, rejection doesn't feel good, but masking your true feelings will eventually be more damaging and hurtful in your relationships.

The most significant move you can make to be authentic is to take the leap and practice letting people in to your world. Of course to be able to do that you have to first feel safe and secure in your relationships. If there are people in your life that compel you to hide your true feelings or make you feel like you have to be somebody else around them, it's important to consider why you feel that way. If you find yourself feeling safe in your relationships, but not able to be open, maybe it's time to take a risk and practice being vulnerable. You don't have to rip your mask off just yet, just gently start removing it. You may like what you see. *

Love Thyself

“Self-love, my liege, is not so vile a sin as self-neglecting.”

 -William Shakespeare

 

  

July 2011 Vacation, holiday, getaway, break, trip, retreat, escape…the many names we have for the time allotted to treat ourselves. With the arrival of summer, I hear more and more about travel plans, breaks, and vacationing. But really, how many of us truly take the time to indulge in vacations? And when I say indulge, I mean really take the time to feel refreshed, renewed, and relaxed. How often are we actually treating ourselves well?

Compared to countries around the world, the US is the only developed nation that does not offer paid vacation as a mandatory benefit. France, Finland, and Brazil provide for 30 days of paid vacation time. Yes, one month of REQUIRED vacation.

Back in May, CNN did a story about American’s lack of vacationing, entitled, “Why is America the ‘no-vacation nation’?” The name comes from a report by the Center for Economic and Policy Research, a liberal policy group who found that only 57% of American workers use up all of the days they are granted for vacation.

We live in a society that urges us to work and work and work. Taking time off to replenish ourselves can be a costly move. Not only do we have to take a cut in pay, but we also have to be able to afford what we do with our time off. If traveling is part of the plan, the expenses just begin to pile up. But the truth of the matter is that self-care is essential for our survival and success.

Many fail to pay attention to the importance of self-care. Often, people confuse self-care with being selfish, when in fact, self-care can lead to selflessness. If we take the time and treat ourselves well, then we feel good about going to work, coming home, spending time with our loved ones, going to dinner with friends, and so forth. By taking the time to nurture ourselves, we nurture everything and everyone else around us as well.

So what do you do if you are unable to afford taking time off? A trip does not have to be the answer. Taking time for you can happen on a daily basis if you allow for it. Even giving yourself five minutes of “me-time” can make a difference. If you have a rough workday ahead of you, make sure to plan for something in your day that makes you feel good. Something like taking 10 minutes to do breathing exercises or having a dessert with a cup of coffee can be refreshing. By setting time aside to treat yourself, you will be more motivated throughout your day.

And if you do have time off, but can’t afford to travel, you can plan for a “staycation.” A staycation involves a vacation in your own hometown. How many times have you found yourself thinking you should try the new restaurant in the city, or checkout the opening of an art exhibit?  We often forget to take advantage of what is right in front of us. Create a list of activities that you and your family/partner/friends could do, and make it happen!

Self-care is also about doing the simple things that you enjoy. How many of us can say we actively engage in our hobbies on a regular basis? When you take the time to do things you love, there will be a change in attitude and motivation. And by setting aside a little time everyday, you can pick up on your hobbies again. 

The benefits of taking the time to give yourself a break are endless. Vacations support emotional health, encourage creative growth, help your personal relationships, and give you more perspective on life. People who return from vacations tend to have better sleeping habits, feel less stressed, and function better at work. Studies have found that these beneficial effects of vacationing lead to a longer life.

The most important relationship is the one that you have with yourself. Nurture it, feed it, and allow for it to grow. Take a moment to think: Are you giving yourself the opportunity to love yourself the way you deserve? Are you taking the time to find peace and serenity that helps you to retain motivation and joy in everyday?

The next time you are daydreaming at work, force yourself to imagine what your time off will look like. Remind yourself that you work hard and deserve to be treated well. Remember that self-neglect can create a ripple of danger in other areas of your life. Plan, and most importantly, DO the activities that you enjoy. Book a massage, take that evening dinner cruise for two, go see the new play in town, etc. Provide some self-love so that you can be a happier, better you. 

Vitamin Friend

“No road is long with good company.”-Turkish Proverb

May 2011  Whether you were elated or annoyed by the constant coverage of the UK’s royal wedding, there is one thing that cannot be denied: weddings peak the human interest. Most seemed to be tired of the incessant talk of the event, but the truth of the matter is that two billion people—one third of the world’s population—tuned in to watch the wedding. And on Youtube, there were more than 72 million views, a number larger than the population of Britain.

Is it the story of Prince Charming that captures us? Is it the idea that the childhood dream could be true? Maybe, but even in this Cinderella story, Prince Charming did not appear over night to save the fair maiden.  The two were in a relationship for ten years before a wedding took place and they were friends even before they began dating.  After years of relationship studies and research, friendship has been found to be one of the most important facets of making a marriage work. In fact, friendship and companionship in general provide for a healthier, happier and longer life. Perhaps the union we seek in Prince Charming can be found all around us.

The connection with another person proves to be powerful. Maybe that’s what is so exciting about a marriage—whether it’s historical, or on a reality TV show. The bond and connection with another being is an undeniable human necessity and desire.

When it comes to relationships—whether with a significant other, a friend, or family, there are many elements that play into achieving a quality relationship that makes you happy and healthy.  Good friendships have been shown to boost your immune system. Studies on both animals and humans have revealed the importance of companionship. For instance, hamsters that had skin wounds healed faster when they were placed in a cage with other hamsters. Similarly, Harvard researchers found that breast cancer patients lacking a support system were four times more likely to succumb to their cancer than those with a bigger support system.   A recent report linked increased friendships to a lowered risk of dementia. In another study in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, participants standing at the bottom of a steep hill with a friend described the climb as easier than those who were alone. Of course, the key to such findings is healthy, quality companionship. 

Despite all of the recent social networks and the hundreds of people listed as “friends” on our Facebook profiles, studies have found that Americans have one third less friends today than they did 20 years ago.  With all the benefits of friendship and companionship, people seem to dismiss the advantages of face-to-face socialization. Having a support system doesn’t just involve “tweets,” “wall posts,” or “texts.” While these are all helpful forms in staying connected and communicating, there needs to be more real contact to gain the true benefits of friendship.

With all that said, we can improve our well-being by taking time to strengthen our marriage and relationships. There are simple things that can be done to make this happen. Make an effort to have a date night or a weekly lunch date with your partner. Try to see your friends more often and plan more outings. Use the numerous forms of technology to stay in touch and to arrange real life activities. Find workout partners, hiking buddies, movie buffs, concert goers, beach lovers, foodies, etc. Some find it difficult to make friends as they get older.  There are many avenues to connecting or reconnecting with people. Websites like meetup.com allow for people to join groups that actively meet for common interests.  Take advantage of opportunities to meet others like attending events, networking meetings, or going to coffee shops and bookstores to read your favorite novel.  Making time for others means making time for you. Investing in quality relationships will lead to a quality life. With good company by your side, life can be so much more satisfying…and maybe quite royal. —

Funny Money

“Money is only a tool. It will take you wherever you wish, but it will not replace you as the driver.” -Ayn Rand

 

April 2011 Tax season. The bitter taste left behind when it’s time to take a look at what you’ve earned the past year, and have a percentage of that ripped out of your hands. Ouch.

But perhaps the former statement is harsh for some. Maybe tax season is nothing but a routine task that feels good to complete. No big deal.

We all have our own relationship with money. And that relationship impacts our relationships with our partners, friends, family and children. In fact, finances are one of the top three conflict-causing issues in couples, even above sex. Money is actually a leading factor in divorce. What is it about money that makes things a little…funny?

Money is a secret relationship that is born when we are children. It begins when we first understand what money is, and how our family members treat it. Some learn that buying material things is a gesture of love. Others learn that money is to be saved and not to be spent, unless it is used for basic necessities. Money may represent more than just a piece of paper used to purchase things and to pay the bills. For some, it accomplishes goals. It can mean freedom, independence, power or security. It can provide several purposes, like making people like you more, serving as a means of control, holding the key to happiness or buying love. Some people place their own self-value on how much they make or don’t make. Money’s actual value has to do with more than merely numbers.

We often fail to see the significant role money plays in our lives. Talking about finances and money remains somewhat taboo in our culture. But if we all took an honest look at our relationship with money, then we could learn how to communicate better with our loved ones and learn how to better manage our issues with money.

 For instance, take the individual who learned that money and things do not represent love, but that value rests in actions. For his first anniversary, he cooks a romantic dinner at home, followed by dessert, and has written a poem as a gift. This may not go over well with his partner, who may be expecting a tangible gift. “Where is the actual gift?” the partner may wonder. While there may be appreciation in the romantic gestures, he/she has learned to believe that a purchased gift (and perhaps, an expensive one) holds high value in love. And there, a conflict arises.

Or imagine Sue and Jane, two friends who are planning a trip together. Sue goes to a travel agent, tells him what she wants, and books the trip. Sue has learned money makes things easy and headache-free. Jane believes that people can be manipulative when it comes to money, so the only person you can trust is yourself. Jane thinks she can find a better deal than the agent could ever offer. Jane may assume that Sue is inconsiderate and doesn’t want to put the effort into looking for better deals.

By taking a look at your upbringing and ideas surrounding money, you may see why certain facets of your relationships are affected by these beliefs. That way, you will be less likely to misinterpret people’s actions. Talk to your partner about how you grew up to view money and how these ideas are impacting the way you feel in the relationship. When you are having a disagreement with someone concerning something having to do with money, take a step back, and ask yourself, “Why am I feeling the way I do?” Reevaluate the choices that you make when it comes to money. Are your decisions based on finances? Is this negatively impacting your life? Acknowledge your tendencies when it involves money, and face them. This awareness will allow for growth.  As Rand states, let money only serve as a tool and take you where you need to go, but make sure you truly are in control—not your money.

 

 

Settle for Change

“People wish to be settled; but it is only as far as they are unsettled that there is any hope for them.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

  

March 2011 The other night I noticed something different in the air. The smell of sweet honeysuckle consuming every breath I took. And then I remembered—it’s March. Spring is only a few weeks away.

The American Heritage dictionary defines the word “spring” as “a time of growth and renewal.”  The verb form is “to move upward or forward in a single quick motion or a series of such motions; leap.” Interesting how this season implies so much about change.

But change is often terrifying. There is comfort in the predictable. There is security in structure. There is peace in the known. But life isn’t any of the above.  Life has one constant: change.

Emerson’s quote invites the notion of change. He implies that being “unsettled” means there is more hope.  But we are wired to be settled. And society tells us to settle. We’re told in school to “settle down.” And we’re told to grow up and be ready to “settle” with someone one day. Plans are good. Structure is good. Goals are good.

Maybe what Emerson is trying to convey is what we think should be done, and the consistency and comfort we get from the known, leaves more to be desired. Change can be an anxiety-provoking concept, but it can also create new experiences, alternative perceptions, new goals, and the hope that no matter what, one thing is for sure: things can change.

 

The Holmes & Rahe Stress Scale lists 43 life events that are considered stressful enough to lower one’s immunity. Interestingly, many of the life changes on the scale are presumably joyful events like marriage, personal achievement, vacationing, and even Christmas. It’s clear that even positive changes can have a negative impact.

Often, change makes us resort to not-so-great behaviors like eating, drinking or sleeping more or less than usual, being irritable, watching more TV, procrastinating, etc. So, how do we make change more tolerable? How do we settle for the unsettling?

One action to take is to practice setting healthy boundaries. Good boundaries are limits that make things more manageable. An example would be when you are overwhelmed, being able to say no. “No” can be a very powerful word when life seems like too much. Create a list of things that you need to set better boundaries around and make the decision to stand by them. For instance, if you just had a job transition, what scenarios are you not willing to accept? What if your boss asks you to work unexpected days/hours? Or, if you’re going through a divorce or break-up, how much contact do you want with your ex? Making a list will help you through the process. You will develop the skill to set better boundaries and to know how and when to apply them in various areas of your life.

You can also remind yourself of things you enjoy or once enjoyed.  Reframe change in your life to allow for self-discovery. Instead of “I can’t believe this is happening. I’m going to lose my mind,” you can think, “This sucks, but now I’m going to take the time to find and do things I enjoy so I can keep my sanity.” The experience might urge you to do things you had never made time for in the past. Exercise, read, have dinner with friends, start up that blog, take that trip, journal, rent a movie, and so on. Do something for you. Make the opportunity to enjoy the change.  Explore something new. Embrace the unknown. Accept the unsettled. And notice how allowing change into your life can bring hope for new (maybe better?) alternatives.

Love & Marriage?

“Love is an ideal thing; marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished.” -Goethe

February 2011-The month of love has arrived yet again. A reminder of our relationships, and a holiday that prompts us to feed and to nurture them.  Suddenly, I recall Goethe’s unsettling words.

Goethe’s quote poses a controversial position about love, when you take a deep (or superficial) look at it.  He implies that love is an ideal concept, marriage is real, and confusing the two can get you into trouble. Sounds a little worrisome.

But I propose that Goethe isn’t suggesting that marriage is loveless; rather, he is pointing out that marriage—or relationships— take a lot of work. Certainly, this is not a novel concept.

Love can be a fantastic emotion. In fact, Dr. Helen Fisher, an anthropologist who researches the biology of love, has discovered that brain activity during the early stages of love resemble the same brain regions that are triggered when being high on cocaine. Imagine that.

Yet, I must refer back to the popular saying: What goes up, must come down. And when the “high” of love has come down, the work begins.  In order to maintain the love and to achieve a successful relationship, we have to reevaluate certain concepts and put them to use. If Goethe is right, it’s time to take matters into our own hands and make the ideal of love a little more realistic. 

One of the easiest (okay, kind of easy) ways to improve your relationship is to work on communication skills. One change you can make is to actively use I statements. These can be powerful, because as soon as one person changes the way he/she responds, the other person’s response naturally changes too. An I statement uses this formula: I feel ___when you __ . So, instead of, “Honey, you are really inconsiderate of my feelings about your in-laws,” we change it to, “Honey, I feel hurt and unsupported when you talk about your parents.” Voilà! The blame is removed, and  a successful conversation can proceed.

Also, listening and having respect for your partner are essentials to a loving and happy relationship. Real or active listening implies that you are listening with a purpose. For instance, you genuinely care what your partner is saying, or you want to help your partner. Pseudo or pretend listening means your intentions for listening are all wrong. This might include listening so the person doesn’t get upset with you, or listening because you hope your partner listens to you (McKay, 1995). Pseudo listening can be lethal in a relationship.

Showing respect is vital as well. Famed relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman found that when a partner receives contempt (i.e. mockery, sneering, disgust), he/she shows a decrease in T-cell production. Meaning the person’s immunity becomes compromised. Aretha Franklin was a wise woman to ask for a little bit of R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

While there are many more methods to nurture your relationship, I digress—for now. Goethe’s words are a reminder that we have to fight for and to work for one of the greatest emotions a human experiences, in order to achieve a relationship or marriage that keeps us happy. So, at the end of the day, when you ask, “Where is the love?” instead, you may want to ask, “How do I make this real and lasting so I can always feel the love?” —