Funny Money

“Money is only a tool. It will take you wherever you wish, but it will not replace you as the driver.” -Ayn Rand

 

April 2011 Tax season. The bitter taste left behind when it’s time to take a look at what you’ve earned the past year, and have a percentage of that ripped out of your hands. Ouch.

But perhaps the former statement is harsh for some. Maybe tax season is nothing but a routine task that feels good to complete. No big deal.

We all have our own relationship with money. And that relationship impacts our relationships with our partners, friends, family and children. In fact, finances are one of the top three conflict-causing issues in couples, even above sex. Money is actually a leading factor in divorce. What is it about money that makes things a little…funny?

Money is a secret relationship that is born when we are children. It begins when we first understand what money is, and how our family members treat it. Some learn that buying material things is a gesture of love. Others learn that money is to be saved and not to be spent, unless it is used for basic necessities. Money may represent more than just a piece of paper used to purchase things and to pay the bills. For some, it accomplishes goals. It can mean freedom, independence, power or security. It can provide several purposes, like making people like you more, serving as a means of control, holding the key to happiness or buying love. Some people place their own self-value on how much they make or don’t make. Money’s actual value has to do with more than merely numbers.

We often fail to see the significant role money plays in our lives. Talking about finances and money remains somewhat taboo in our culture. But if we all took an honest look at our relationship with money, then we could learn how to communicate better with our loved ones and learn how to better manage our issues with money.

 For instance, take the individual who learned that money and things do not represent love, but that value rests in actions. For his first anniversary, he cooks a romantic dinner at home, followed by dessert, and has written a poem as a gift. This may not go over well with his partner, who may be expecting a tangible gift. “Where is the actual gift?” the partner may wonder. While there may be appreciation in the romantic gestures, he/she has learned to believe that a purchased gift (and perhaps, an expensive one) holds high value in love. And there, a conflict arises.

Or imagine Sue and Jane, two friends who are planning a trip together. Sue goes to a travel agent, tells him what she wants, and books the trip. Sue has learned money makes things easy and headache-free. Jane believes that people can be manipulative when it comes to money, so the only person you can trust is yourself. Jane thinks she can find a better deal than the agent could ever offer. Jane may assume that Sue is inconsiderate and doesn’t want to put the effort into looking for better deals.

By taking a look at your upbringing and ideas surrounding money, you may see why certain facets of your relationships are affected by these beliefs. That way, you will be less likely to misinterpret people’s actions. Talk to your partner about how you grew up to view money and how these ideas are impacting the way you feel in the relationship. When you are having a disagreement with someone concerning something having to do with money, take a step back, and ask yourself, “Why am I feeling the way I do?” Reevaluate the choices that you make when it comes to money. Are your decisions based on finances? Is this negatively impacting your life? Acknowledge your tendencies when it involves money, and face them. This awareness will allow for growth.  As Rand states, let money only serve as a tool and take you where you need to go, but make sure you truly are in control—not your money.

 

 

Settle for Change

“People wish to be settled; but it is only as far as they are unsettled that there is any hope for them.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

  

March 2011 The other night I noticed something different in the air. The smell of sweet honeysuckle consuming every breath I took. And then I remembered—it’s March. Spring is only a few weeks away.

The American Heritage dictionary defines the word “spring” as “a time of growth and renewal.”  The verb form is “to move upward or forward in a single quick motion or a series of such motions; leap.” Interesting how this season implies so much about change.

But change is often terrifying. There is comfort in the predictable. There is security in structure. There is peace in the known. But life isn’t any of the above.  Life has one constant: change.

Emerson’s quote invites the notion of change. He implies that being “unsettled” means there is more hope.  But we are wired to be settled. And society tells us to settle. We’re told in school to “settle down.” And we’re told to grow up and be ready to “settle” with someone one day. Plans are good. Structure is good. Goals are good.

Maybe what Emerson is trying to convey is what we think should be done, and the consistency and comfort we get from the known, leaves more to be desired. Change can be an anxiety-provoking concept, but it can also create new experiences, alternative perceptions, new goals, and the hope that no matter what, one thing is for sure: things can change.

 

The Holmes & Rahe Stress Scale lists 43 life events that are considered stressful enough to lower one’s immunity. Interestingly, many of the life changes on the scale are presumably joyful events like marriage, personal achievement, vacationing, and even Christmas. It’s clear that even positive changes can have a negative impact.

Often, change makes us resort to not-so-great behaviors like eating, drinking or sleeping more or less than usual, being irritable, watching more TV, procrastinating, etc. So, how do we make change more tolerable? How do we settle for the unsettling?

One action to take is to practice setting healthy boundaries. Good boundaries are limits that make things more manageable. An example would be when you are overwhelmed, being able to say no. “No” can be a very powerful word when life seems like too much. Create a list of things that you need to set better boundaries around and make the decision to stand by them. For instance, if you just had a job transition, what scenarios are you not willing to accept? What if your boss asks you to work unexpected days/hours? Or, if you’re going through a divorce or break-up, how much contact do you want with your ex? Making a list will help you through the process. You will develop the skill to set better boundaries and to know how and when to apply them in various areas of your life.

You can also remind yourself of things you enjoy or once enjoyed.  Reframe change in your life to allow for self-discovery. Instead of “I can’t believe this is happening. I’m going to lose my mind,” you can think, “This sucks, but now I’m going to take the time to find and do things I enjoy so I can keep my sanity.” The experience might urge you to do things you had never made time for in the past. Exercise, read, have dinner with friends, start up that blog, take that trip, journal, rent a movie, and so on. Do something for you. Make the opportunity to enjoy the change.  Explore something new. Embrace the unknown. Accept the unsettled. And notice how allowing change into your life can bring hope for new (maybe better?) alternatives.

Love & Marriage?

“Love is an ideal thing; marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished.” -Goethe

February 2011-The month of love has arrived yet again. A reminder of our relationships, and a holiday that prompts us to feed and to nurture them.  Suddenly, I recall Goethe’s unsettling words.

Goethe’s quote poses a controversial position about love, when you take a deep (or superficial) look at it.  He implies that love is an ideal concept, marriage is real, and confusing the two can get you into trouble. Sounds a little worrisome.

But I propose that Goethe isn’t suggesting that marriage is loveless; rather, he is pointing out that marriage—or relationships— take a lot of work. Certainly, this is not a novel concept.

Love can be a fantastic emotion. In fact, Dr. Helen Fisher, an anthropologist who researches the biology of love, has discovered that brain activity during the early stages of love resemble the same brain regions that are triggered when being high on cocaine. Imagine that.

Yet, I must refer back to the popular saying: What goes up, must come down. And when the “high” of love has come down, the work begins.  In order to maintain the love and to achieve a successful relationship, we have to reevaluate certain concepts and put them to use. If Goethe is right, it’s time to take matters into our own hands and make the ideal of love a little more realistic. 

One of the easiest (okay, kind of easy) ways to improve your relationship is to work on communication skills. One change you can make is to actively use I statements. These can be powerful, because as soon as one person changes the way he/she responds, the other person’s response naturally changes too. An I statement uses this formula: I feel ___when you __ . So, instead of, “Honey, you are really inconsiderate of my feelings about your in-laws,” we change it to, “Honey, I feel hurt and unsupported when you talk about your parents.” Voilà! The blame is removed, and  a successful conversation can proceed.

Also, listening and having respect for your partner are essentials to a loving and happy relationship. Real or active listening implies that you are listening with a purpose. For instance, you genuinely care what your partner is saying, or you want to help your partner. Pseudo or pretend listening means your intentions for listening are all wrong. This might include listening so the person doesn’t get upset with you, or listening because you hope your partner listens to you (McKay, 1995). Pseudo listening can be lethal in a relationship.

Showing respect is vital as well. Famed relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman found that when a partner receives contempt (i.e. mockery, sneering, disgust), he/she shows a decrease in T-cell production. Meaning the person’s immunity becomes compromised. Aretha Franklin was a wise woman to ask for a little bit of R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

While there are many more methods to nurture your relationship, I digress—for now. Goethe’s words are a reminder that we have to fight for and to work for one of the greatest emotions a human experiences, in order to achieve a relationship or marriage that keeps us happy. So, at the end of the day, when you ask, “Where is the love?” instead, you may want to ask, “How do I make this real and lasting so I can always feel the love?” —